Dear Sarah,
You are seven and a half years old and by far the most placid of all my four kids. You are a pleasure to have around. Mostly in good humour and never loosing your temper except once every two months when a flurry of words like 'FUCKING IDIOT' and BASTARD spew forth from your mouth and I have to look all around to convince myself that a 24 stone builder, swigging on a can of beer, has not entered the room while I wasn't looking.
Recently I've been finding my purse opened and the zip section where I keep my coins opened too. I'm always very careful to keep my purse out of view because I don't want to put temptation in your way but the odd time I do forget like yesterday when I put it on top of the microwave forgetting that although it was five feet off the floor you are the best climber in this house especially around the biscuit press. You've so impressed your father and I so much with this agile ability of yours that we're seriously considering enrolling you in Mountain Climbing Lessons so you'll be ready for Mount Everest by the time you're 10 years old, making you famous and rich enough to pay us a generous monthly strip end so your father and I can loll around the house and never have to work again.
Lara was going to the shop and you gave her one euro to buy you a packet of crisps. When she returned she couldn't find you and so she gave them to me to mind for you telling me that you said you had found the €1 coin under the cushion where your grandfather sits, you know, the couch where the money always falls out of his pockets, slides down the sides of the cushion and ends up in heaps of shiny silver €1 and €2 coins underneath.
But I know that's not true BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN SOMEONES BEEN AT MY STUFF KIDO SO DON'T MESS WITH THIS MO FO DARLING
When you returned, looking for your crisps, we put you on a seat and shone a light into your eyes and fed you nothing for five days. You cried big fat tears when I said I would give Audrey the crips if you didn't give me the inside information. You freaked out instead, jumping up and down screaming ' BUT I DIDN'T DO IT, I DIDN'T DO IT, WHY WILL YOU NOT BELIEVE ME?' with such feeling and intensity that we all felt mean for what we had put you through and gave you the crisps which,miraculously, stopped you from crying enabling you to scoff the lot immediately.
Later that night when you were tucked up in your bed I explained to you that not all robbers wear black and white striped tops with balaclavas and a swag bag over their shoulders. I explained that they could be nice ladies with pretty make-up, old kind looking ladies with white hair and wrinkled faces and big strong men with rough faces. You looked at me sheepishly when I said robbers could be small 7 year old girls.
"Mummy will you be annoyed with me if I tell you I took the money from your purse"
"I'll never be annoyed if you tell me the truth darling"
"Well I did take it"
"OK, good girl for telling me but you should have said it sooner. I think you should be careful because you can get addicted to being a robber. Did you know that?"
"No"
"Well you can, so, I am addicted to Mexican Salsa Chili Chips, your Father is addicted to cigarettes, Audrey is addicted to Gameboys, Lara is addicted salt, Rachel is addicted to Greenday and you, well, you'll be addicted to robbing"
I could see the fear on your face but then again you might have been using the other great ability you possess; your high standard of Rada-like acting techniques.
I'm just not sure you took all I said in and so to be on the safe side I'm going to have to go to the hardware store to buy some velcro to stick my purse to the ceiling and if you somehow manage to retrieve it I really will enroll you in a Mountaineering Course.
Love Mum xxx
THE BEST DETECTIVE IN TOWN
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