So we are all 9 of us sitting at a lovely table in the restaurant of my Sisters Hotel in Limerick on St Stephens Day having travelled far and wide to be together. There's a long table behind us laid out for the children who, having finished their desert, feel the need to release some of their pent up energy by running laps around the room.
I am in the middle of my sticky toffee pudding when I hear Rachel down the far end of the table announce to all and sundry
"Mum and me have no relationship what so ever."
I felt the whole table had stop talking and all eyes were on me. My sticky toffee pudding stuck in my throat and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I excused myself and made my way to the toilet where I tried to gather my thoughts and find a way to get back to the table and get my purse out of my handbag to buy myself a stiff whiskey without anybody noticing that my brand new Chanel mascara wasn't waterproof.
HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP WHAT SO EVER?
IS SHE KIDDING?
takes calls from the assistant principle about suspensions while shopping in Lidl?
drives around in her dressing gown with wet hair late at night after frantic telephone calls?
drives 300 meters down the hill to save an uphill walk?
doles out money like playing cards?
allows 150 people have sleepovers on the same night?
never asks for more than the odd monthly input of hoovering or dishwasher emptying?
allows Greenday to be played on a continuous loop?
cuts hair during prime time tv?
never mentions mushrooms growing in coffee cups?
washes, irons, feeds and gives relationship advice?
gives lifts to Dublin, Arklow, Bray?
and does as she's told and doesn't sing or dance causing embarrassment when friends are over?
SHITHEAD. THAT'S WHO.
Thank God it's a new year because that means there can be a new me.
IF YOU WANT SHITHEAD I CAN SHOW YOU SHITHEAD HONEY.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION NUMBER
1.....Grow a Backbone.
2.....Buy waterproof mascara.