Saturday, July 21, 2007


Dear Audrey,

You are now 5 years and 5 months old and have a fabulous and varied vocabulary with a few good curse words tucked under your belt which you often pull out and wave about in public like a dirty pair of knickers, just for the pure joy of the shock factor. Recently I've noticed you're using your special cache of swear words more and more often. Like today when you asked Rachel's friend Mark "Do you like people playing with your balls?" and all seven of us in the room went quiet.

"Oh, she means those pool table balls", I explain in a knowing voice as we had all just returned from a Pub Grub meal where we were seated beside two pool tables.

"No I don't Mum" you reply in a prissy voice with your cheeky face pushed forward. "I mean his willy" you giggle pointing between your legs.

Whilst I understand that you sometimes pick things up from your three older sisters I've never, ever heard them say something like that to a visitor. The poor guy didn't know where to look and when you said 'Shove it up your arsehole' and then ran away, well, that really went down like a cold cup of sick........... because Mark is gay and therefore finds it difficult to discuss subjects like assholes with a five year old.

This is all pretty shocking to me especially as I don't even allow your sisters to say 'Shut-up' to each other. And the F word? The F word is definitely forbidden.

Your father very occasionally uses the F word in you and your sisters' presence. Mostly at times of great stress, like tonight, when he bought a pint of Guinness with the last five euro that we had left over after paying for the meal and Sarah duly knocks it over and spills the lot over the table and floor.

"Fuck-it" muttered your father under his breath and "Fuck-him" he mumbled on the way out, a quick reference to the bar man who, after cleaning up the mess, never offered your father a replacement pint.

I don't curse around you Audrey, or your sisters. But out of earshot, late at night when you're all sleeping or when I am out with my girlfriends after a stressful day the F words trip over each other as they race to get out of my mouth. Yep. I can curse for Ireland, honey, but there's a time and a place for all that which is something you're going to have to learn.

It's all very well for you to stick your fingers in your ears, hum and roll your eyes into the back of your head while I explain some of the more negative points about swearing, but I know that you know what I am trying to say. Which is; I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOU SPEAK LIKE THAT AGAIN, and that, one day, you will be a grown up and then you'll be able to use all the fucking swear words you like.

Love Mum


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