I'VE GOT A RIGHT PAIN IN MY ASS

OHMIGOD........

I've got PILES!!!

I know. I KNOW. I shouldn't be writing about things like THIS. I mean who cares? Who wants to know? TOO MUCH INFORMATION ELLEN. And when my Mother, who sometimes checks in here to catch up on what I've been up to, reads this she'll think I've lost it completely. So Mum, if you are reading this, I am writing about my piles because, yes, they are driving me insane and right now THEY ARE A BIG PART OF MY LIFE AND THATS WHY THEY DESERVE THIS CAP LOCK TREATMENT.

Piles are an embarrassing subject to talk about . Out LOUD that is. AND with strangers. This morning I did what I've only ever done four times in my life. Except this time, I wasn't heavily pregnant . No, this morning I walked, with no excuse, up to the counter in the Chemists and tried, unsuccessfully I might add, to catch the eye of the female counter assistant rather than the good looking male standing beside her.

"Could I please have some suppositories for piles?" I ask Mr Hot Model Counter Assistant , in a low voice which I try to make sound like I don't know what the hell piles are, and NO of course I am not buying them for myself because I'm way too cool to be afflicted with engorged veins hanging from my butt, dragging along the ground as I walk around.

I would have forgiven him for rolling his eyes or snorting but he did neither. He just looked at me curiously and I knew that somebody had clued him in about customers like me. He was NOT going to allow me my illusion. And I all but screamed;

THEY... ARE... NOT... FOR... ME.. at him

He gave a loud phlegmy cough and after asking me whether they were itchy or not.....what was the guy going to do for christsakes? scratch them for me ?.....he placed a medium sized packet of suppositories on the counter between us and proceed to explained to me and all the other customers in the shop how to roll the anal pessary between my hands in order to warm and soften it up, thereby allowing a pain and hassle free insertion.

Now THAT'S what I call 'too much information'...........