Friday, August 3, 2007

EH, DID YOU REALIZE YOU'VE GOT A SMALL GNAT DROWNING IN YOUR LIP-GLOSS LOVE

On Wednesday 'The Husband' drove past our home and on down the motor-way to grace us, his trailer trash family, here in Wexford with his mid weekly presence. He always appears with a smile on his face but I'm still trying to figure out whether it's me and the kids, sex or the fillet steak, mushrooms, tomatoes and fluffy Wexford potatoes I put in front of him every Wednesday that make him smile. Next week I'm going to do a process of elimination as an experiment so Honey, I know you read this website to check up on what we've been up to during the week, if you arrive here next Wednesday and find me gone, your kids sitting around picking at a plate of fried liver and drinking petrol they've syphoned off from the car let me know how you feel.

After he'd eaten his dinner, I thought I should break the news to him, on a full stomach and very gently, the shocking news that his darling eleven year old daughter Lara was a child no longer. I told him she's now a fully grown mature woman of the world and that he ought to brace himself and not say anything when he sees her, you know, things along the lines of 'Excuse me who are you? Why do you keep calling me Dad and who've you been boxing to get black ringed eyes like those?'. I know, I know, she looked just fine on Sunday but changing from a child into a woman is instantaneous, takes only the amount of time needed to slap on the face paint and slip into something only loose women wear.

She's made friends with two groups of girls here in Wexford. One group, like her, or should I say like she used to be, are sporty and like to play dvd's and ride around on their bikes while the girls in the other group seem to be addicted to lip-gloss at a rate of a tube a day, I'm thinking it might be laced with vodka, wear little skimpy tops and short shorts and giggle a lot. They enjoy spotting boys and dabbling in the dreaded and often vicious bitching sessions about crap hair styles and who's wardrobes are full of Dunnes Stores shite.

Lara was friendly with both groups and within a week or two I noticed that the two groups had amalgamated. Pretty soon it was obvious that Darwinian ethics had kicked in because lip gloss was being applied and reapplied en mass and hemlines were rising, all in an unconscious effort to ensure the continuation of the species. Life's longing for itself being led by a group of 11 to 13 year old clinging to their tubes of Maybelline. See, there is hope for us all.

He nodded as I explained and just then, as if she had been stage directed, Lara walked through the door in her short shorts, spaghetti-strap skimpy top with multi coloured bra straps underneath. It was raining and she was drenched.

"Hi Hun" I said to her, "You better go and change girl because you look like you're about to enter and win a wet t-shirt competition for young teenagers."

The Husband looked from me to her and back to me again. I could see the look on his face and his lips move as if he was about to say something but changed his mind. You know, something along the lines of:

US MEN CALL THOSE SHORTS YOU'RE WEARING GREYHOUND SHORTS, 2 INCHES FROM THE HARE. PUT SOME PROPER CLOTHES ON FOR CHRISTSAKES AND WIPE THAT MUCK OFF YOUR FACE. YOU LOOK LIKE A SLAPPER................

"I know, I know. I came back to change because I'm freezing" she said disappearing into her bedroom to fling another thirty pieces of clothing up in the air in an effort to find the perfect outfit for the third time that day

When she reappeared out of her room he smiled at her but she was out the door so fast she never even noticed her father shake his head, cover his face with his hands and cry hysterically at the loss of another innocent child . I on the other hand am straight off to the Pharmacy to buy a tube of ' MAYBELLINE SHINY LUSCIOUS LIP GLOSS, SUGAR PLUM FLAVOUR to cheer him up.

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