THE SIMPLE BARE NECESSITIES OF LIFE.

There are 255 square feet in one of the rooms of our house that we have only ever used once in the two years we have been living here that I can remember of and that was last Christmas It is such an unused room that a relative once mistakenly admired it for its minimalistic look.

Eh, yeah, thanks, carpet, couch, cushions and curtains. We're so strictly minimal here we only allow things beginning with the letter C in this room.

I worked out that, at approx €170 per square foot for building a house in this area, we have not been using €43,350 /$61,000 worth of our house except for that Christmas and that was only because the room actually seemed a little less bare with the Christmas tree and candles, both items which incidentally, also begin with the letter 'C' and were therefore allowed in the room and because we had too many guests who, unlike the kids, we weren't able to shout things at. Things along the lines of;

DO NOT SPILL YOUR GIN & TONIC ON THE MOST EXPENSIVE CARPET IN THE HOUSE ESPECIALLY AS WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO USE THE FECKING ROOM OURSELVES YET.

Or proffer, along with the canapes, a gas mask which yes, you'll definitely be needing due to the velocity of the plumes of smoke our extra wide fireplace bellows out despite the €360 we spent on two of these useless things to try and fix the problem.

The thoughts of €43,000+ worth of room languishing unused yet again for another winter was more than I could handle and so I bullied the husband we headed off yesterday to a place The Husband dreads more than High End Restaurants and Ladies Underwear Departments combined.

To D.I.D. The do it yourself supermarket that he has an unhealthy dislike of. I'd nearly go so far as to say 'a genuine phobia of' and this, on reflection, may be the real reason why we lived in complete darkness in our old house and not due to problematic unfixed blown transformers dating back over the 10 years we owned that property.

We bought three climbers to finish off the garden planting around the decking and backing paper and paste and Mocha paint for each side of the fireplace and bricks to raise up the fire grate to stop the smoke billowing out, all for €100 instead of the €1,000 flat screen 47 inch Sony Bravia we both really wanted because we are sensible people and know our Credit limits.

After we got back home The Husband planted the 3 climbers and put the cement blocks under the fireplace and in the utility room, a room he never frequents. He stacked, neatly and out of sight, the paste, paper and paint because they all begin with the letter 'P' not 'C' and because it was Sunday and because everyone knows it's a sin to work on the Good Lords Day of Rest. My arse.