A letter to my Mum

Dear Mum,

First off I have to say thank you for coming over to mind the kids while we are away this week. If I haven't been in touch as much as I usually am these past few days it's because I was afraid that hearing the kids screeching in the background might have made you change your mind and quite frankly I couldn't risk that.

You asked me to write down some of our routines, likes/dislikes the kids might have so here it is;

In the mornings the older two kids will get up themselves. Call into them just the once as you are going downstairs with the younger two. Audrey feels that being the youngest in the family gives her the right to not use her arms for the first half hour after waking. Do not be fooled.

Sarah wakes with a smile on her face which does not disappear until her exit from school whereupon she feels a strong urge to cry from the pain in her cheeks and being good all day.

When they get home from school they eat. Then they eat some more. And more, especially when you are not looking. They will eat anything which does not require the following; a plate, cutlery, a table.

They drink water, not juice, coke or milk. Stick to this because, kids, especially the older ones, always push the envelope and will, next time you mind them convince you that a crisp chilled Chablis is de rigeur with their pasta and before you know it our recycling quota increases and our evenings are taken up with al anon meetings, Rod leaves me because of the stress, the house is repossessed and we end up living in a B & B subsidised by the Government.

The younger two kids go to bed between 7.30pm and 8.00pm and after that the older two must have their hands pried from the sides of the computer so if you're playing golf that day reserve a little of your strength. You're going to need it.

Don't bother about any laundry or ironing and if you're passing any rooms in the upstairs of the house that look uncannily similar to the contents of a skip I find holding your breath and closing your eyes as you pass by works great.

You'll find Post It's dotted about the house, ie the central heating system. And if there's anything you need to know feel free to call me although Rachel and Lara will help you out.

I'm going to visit a few art galleries, photograph Big Ben and check out the Sales and although Rod will be working every day over there I'll get to see him in the evenings.

I'll be back on Friday night and really, really, appreciate you minding the kids for me.

Love Ellen xxx